Yes, it has been a while...

Hello all. I know it has been a long time since I posted, but something big is coming. It's huge and epic. So epically huge that it has taken me a month to write. It's coming soon. Just wait. :)

Finito!

I'm done! Accomplished! It's over! The end! Unless you've been here, you can't possibly imagine the exhilaration I am currently feeling! Freedom! Sweet and soulful! The culmination of all of my efforts has led me to this point and I feel like I'm floating on air! And yet, all of these amazing feelings have a slight taint. Just the tiniest amount of bitterness to accent the sweet.
You see, so much of my time these last few years, and especially week (including EVERY spare moment that I thought I had to myself) have been consumed with a list. A list of things to start or finish. A paper to write, a chapter to read, a question to answer, a test to take, a lab assignment to do, a reference to check... You get the picture. For so long now I haven't had to plan my own life. It's been set out for me, every waking and sleeping minute. And now, although I still have two jobs that will take up most of my time, I don't have to worry about anything else! Sure I have a list of things to do... Read books (for fun, mind you), write my story (stories... Kelly keeps hounding me to finish the one I started five years ago... He wants to know what happens...), visit with my family, hang with friends before graduate school, hopefully sticking in a little romance here and there. *wink, wink* Oh, and I have a few vacations planned. I cannot wait!
... Ok, so honestly, my summer will be a little full... But what about after? I'm so worried about not getting in to graduate school (something I would never tell anyone in person) because I've been denied entrance to two of my chosen schools, there is only one left! What if I don't get in? I just might cry. It's also the one I REALLY want to attend. And if I don't get in, how am I going to continue in my chosen field of study? If you're the praying type, I do appreciate prayers...
Regardless, things will happen and I got off on a panic tangent. I digress. Now I have all night to do whatever I want! Should I read or write? Hmmm... How about both!! But I think I'm going to start with reading while I text a very good friend of mine. Goodnight!
~Mika~

Well that went well...

Oh my goodness! These past few weeks have been insane. I feel like all I ever do is go to school and work and eat. I definitely make sure to eat. Too bad sleep isn't included in there anywhere. Luckily this semester is almost over. I am still waiting to hear back from two of the three schools I applied to for my graduate studies, but so far the one letter I got back has not been very promising. They told me no. Which I'm pretty okay with because I don't think it was my first choice anyway. Now all I have to worry about is not dying before the next three weeks ends.
For some random tidbits of information today, did you know:

This is the anti-child trafficking poster from WorldConcern.

1) In 2006 there were over 100 cases of human trafficking (mostly for sex) in Salt Lake City, UT alone??? Disgusting.
2) 40% of our nation's wealth and nearly 25% of our nation's income is taken by a mere 1% of our nation's population??? I sometimes wish I was up there! (See this article by Vanity Fair)
3) (This one is a personal bit about Mika) Something is missing in my life. Lately I feel like my soul is yearning, hungering, a gaping mouth that I feed with everything I find and yet I cannot find a puzzle piece with the right fit to quench my thirst. Any suggestions on what to do? I'm searching, just not finding yet.
I really do love my life. I wrote something the other day that I thought I'd share. I hope you enjoy it.

A Soul for Song
My soul breaks free
When I hear that song.
I hurt so deep,
And I feel so wrong.
Filling hole to the brim
With a wicked nothing
Will never end
A false sense of something.
Heart and brain
Give me something to sing!
To turn my life on a dime
As soon as I hear that ring.
Keep me safe
My way and path to lead
With guided words
I'll work to fight through this deed.

Remember, if you take anything away from today's post, please make sure you never support human-trafficking.
~Mika

I feel I need to say:

How many people in the world do you think suffer from depression? According to the book More than Moody: Recognizing and Treating Adolescent Depression by Dr. Harold. S. Koplewiez, upwards of 40 million Americans suffer from depression, with approximately 3.5 million of those being children. Does that number boggle your mind? How about when viewed in light of the fact that there are, according to the US Census, approximately 310 million US citizens. That means approximately 10% of our nation suffers from depression AND are being treated for it. There could be many more who are not diagnosed with depression because they cannot afford medical attention or because they don't feel they need to see a professional.
What is depression? According to Psychologists and medical professionals it is a chemical imbalance in the brain, a lack of equivalent exchange, if you will, of the chemicals and hormones that create feelings of happiness and/ or sadness.
Why can't people just be happy? It doesn't make sense does it? Each person is in charge of how they feel, right? We've all heard people tell us that we make ourselves happy or sad. But it isn't always that easy. Ask anyone with depression. It's a struggle to live sometimes. It can be crippling. Why do you think the suicide rate in our nation is so high? According to one source the suicide rate in the US in 2000 was 10.6 in 100,000.
This is mind boggling to me! How can we support this? As I mentioned in my first post, I have suffered from depression. At one point in my life I was on medicine and seeing a counselor because I was a cutter. I also contemplated suicide on a daily basis. My family raised me to be religious and I remember praying every day, several times a day even, pleading with God to take my life. I didn't want to be in pain any more. I wanted it all to end. I sobbed and sobbed, telling God I just couldn't take it any more and that I was ready to do whatever I needed to in order to die.
Luckily for me God had other plans because every one of my attempts failed miserably. Either that or I was secretly a chicken. I'm thinking a combination of both was in order. Regardless, I digress.
I doubt many people who know me now would ever suspect I had such problems with my life, but I did. My mother and father are both diagnosed with depression, as is one of my sisters and one of my brothers. Out of the five children in my family, four of us are cutters or recovering cutters and three of us have been in therapy and on medicine for depression.
I know there are many out there who don't believe that depression is a real illness, but let me tell you, it is as real as I am. It is just as terrifying and as misunderstood as cancer. It has no cure and it cripples like nothing you have felt before.

Take note of the people in your lives who have depression and look closely at how you treat them. Do you disregard their pain and suffering? Or do you take the time to find out what is really going on? I know it is hard to be around people who are depressed sometimes, but sometimes they need a little love too. Won't you step up with me and try to raise awareness? Until there is a cure for depression, let's hope for a better tomorrow for our loved ones who suffer. And if you suffer from depression, know that you are not alone. I know it feels like it. I know that you are wallowing in self-hate and wish everything was different, but remember that things can change. And there is a brighter tomorrow waiting out there somewhere. You are loved.
What is the hardest thing for you to deal with in regards to depression? Weather you've had depression for only a day or for a lifetime, what is the worst?
~Mika

Did I ever mention how AWESOME I am???

Because, really, I am the coolest person ever! Naw, just kidding. I'm not cool at all. I'm more like one of those mom's that tries to be hip to fit in with the crowd... yo...? But every once in a while I get a little out of control and I start to think I'm funny. But I'm really not. At all. Just ask my good friend who had to put up with me all day!
So there I was after my classes ended for the day, hankering for something delicious to eat for lunch, when I called said friend. Danny-Boy had not been up for very long and so I talked to him for a bit as I drove the 8 minutes from college to his house. All the while speed-talking and sharing useless information about things he had not a care for. I didn't bother telling him I was coming over, so when I knocked on the door it was, needless to say, somewhat of a shock. As soon as he opened the door I yelled, "GO TAKE A SHOWER!!" and proceeded to giggle incessantly. Poor Danny-Boy's life would never be the same!

This is what Mika would look like as
a freaky, hyper anime chick.
Now times that by 50 and you'll get
what I was actually acting like...

Silly Danny-Boy was not in a very good mood, especially since he's been very stressed about the GRE and life in general, but I was not about to let that put a damper on my unjustified good mood. Instead I took every opportunity to act like I was five years old. I danced around the grocery store as we shopped for food, I told him to flash the cameras at the pharmacy at the store and then run away, and I made him repeat everything he said at least twice. I even took the time to repeat EVERYTHING he said very loudly while he was on the phone with his mom. Upon reflection, I would have slapped myself. Luckily Danny-Boy is super sweet and amazing and only glared at me. Still, though. Why didn't I stop? Why did I feel the need to act out? I reply to you... I have absolutely no idea. But it was fun!
Thankfully by the time I needed to go in to work I had calmed down quite a bit and no longer behaving like a kid with ADHD hyped up on pixie sticks.
It is such a strange feeling to one day be feeling "meh" at best to bouncing off the walls. I wish I could be 100% happy all the time. But I know that without having those down moments, I wouldn't be able to truly appreciate to great times I have while being so happy. And would you like to know the best part of being so hyper? Danny-Boy was laughing and smiling a lot! I think for a few moments he even forgot to be stressed. Too bad his stress came back so quick...
What about you? Do you go up and down in your moods a lot?
~Mika

Check, please??

Ahh, the life of being merely a student. I went to visit my first graduate school today. My campus tour was to be like any other, the sights, the history, meeting important people who will never remember me... Good times, right? You betcha! ... Except for a few mishaps...

My day started out with a 132 mile trip with my best friend to a place I'd never been before. My loving parents were to meet us there and the four of us would venture through the vast unknown of "le campus!" Dun, dun, duuuunnn!! (Getting lost on the way doesn't count, right? ... right??) And venture we did. For an hour. Which wasn't bad. I learned a lot about this school, including the fact that I don't really like their school colors, but eh. What can you do? Then came the dreaded 2:00. The hour at which I would be meeting the head professor of the Anthropology department. I walked quickly with our guide into the building while nervously smoothing the new business outfit I had bought. I ran my fingers through my hair, put on a fresh coat of lip gloss, prayed my breath didn't smell too terrible, and followed my guide down a side hall. Terror was rising in my chest as I hear the words, "Oh. they both left for the day... A meeting with a prospective student? Nope. They didn't say anything. I guess they forgot."
... Really? ... REALLY? I hung my head in shame. I'm not even worth remembering. I spent all that time being nervous for no reason. I hate when that happens. So I start to relax. It's okay. I can just make another appointment. Or e-mail. Yes, e-mail sounds like an exceptional choice! I am much more eloquent in writing than I am in person. I have time to smooth out the stumbles in my words that way. I had just decided that e-mail was my best course of action when lo and behold, I start getting introduced to faculty members. Now, instead of meeting only the secretary and the head of the department, I get to have personal, one on one interviews with most of the department staff. I didn't even have time to freak out! I was whisked from professor to professor and, before I could protest, off to the museum of artifacts for a tour, a visit with the curator, and a personal tour around the labs and the private museum collection. (Can anyone say shrunken heads?? Heck yes!!) It was a blur of faces and names I'm never going to remember, but no worries because they probably won't remember me either. Though I'm not going to lie, I LOVED it!
If you've never had the change to see shrunken heads up close and personal, do it! It's amazing! The detail is incredible! I think that may have been my favorite part. That and having the curator go through a plan with me on how to make sure I get to work on the artifacts I want to once I start taking classes there. (Even though I have yet to be accepted.)
After a crazy couple hours, I felt like I'd run a marathon! I was exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. And any other "-ally" you can think of! And yet I still had my 132 mile, two hour drive home. Ahh, bliss. At least my best friend made it a hilarious trip. There's never a dull moment around her. And now I'm at work, trying my best to get up the courage to e-mail the list of professors I was given so that I can build rapport with them, hopefully increasing my chances of admission to the program. Eep!
I may be checked out for the day, but my adventures in learning continue. I'd better catch this adventure train, I don't want to miss a moment!

In the beginning...

In the beginning there lived a girl. This girl was a happy child and she had a passion for life, a love of her family. But all that changed in the seventh grade when her life was turned upside down. Ever since then this girl has been different. Self-doubt and depression haunt the darkest corners of her heart. I am this girl. You can call me Mika.
When I was in seventh grade, I was teased horribly by some young men who didn't care to get to know me. I wasn't gorgeous or skinny or exceptionally talented. And because of my lack of such qualities, I was deemed less than worthy in society's sight. With such a combination of assault from several places I began to doubt myself.

Ever since that point I have suffered from a lack of confidence and, to a point, depression. This blog is here to share my struggles as, even now, I work hard to overcome my own barriers. Some days I do better than others. I am working for the next little while on the following: 1) Getting in to graduate school. 2) I am going to get in better shape. 3) I am going to get good grades (at least B's) in all my classes this semester. And 4) I am going to learn how to love myself for me and NOT for something everyone else thinks I should be.
Things here are going to be eclectic. I'll be traversing politics, culture, personal stories, stressful situations, and downright funny catastrophes. I hope you enjoy the ride!
What are some of your struggles and goals you are working on? I'd love to hear from you! 

~Mika~